“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?” Rumi

We all long to feel a sense of belonging. We want to feel that we belong with others, that we are connected to others, that we belong in this world, and that our existence matters in some way. We also want to feel a sense of belonging internally – a sense of worthiness and of being enough within ourselves the way that we are, and a feeling of being connected to ourselves. We long to feel at home in our bodies, not strangely out of place in our own skin.

Shame is the opposite of belonging. When we feel shame we feel that something is wrong with us intrinsically (“I am bad”). Guilt is slightly less personal (“I did something bad”), but shame is deeper and more connected to our core sense of self. We often experience shame when there has been wounding in our earliest experiences of connection with others (teaching us that there is no place for us and we are inherently flawed). Or negative and hurtful experiences throughout our lives become internalized as the belief that something is wrong with us in some way and we are flawed.

Shame becomes self-perpetuating by keeping us out of connection with others because we don’t feel good enough to be connected or loved, and this experience of being on the outside then drives the shame deeper. We may even unconsciously sabotage connections and experiences in our lives to prove our own unworthiness. Shame keeps us outside of the experience of belonging that we so deeply desire.

When I work with shame with clients I work with restoring a sense of internal and external belonging. This concept can sound vague or mysterious. It is really very simple, and yet takes time and practice to experience and to firmly establish within ourselves. As we become more connected with our internal experience we become more familiar with ourselves, and can move from this awareness towards more understanding and self-acceptance. Blending mindfulness with present moment tracking of body sensations and emotions, I help clients learn to stay with their internal experience, to be-friend their emotions and to stay present with whatever they feel inside. This presence and awareness builds a stronger internal container and allows more room for feelings, sensations and parts of the self to exist and be accepted. I help clients explore barriers to belonging with others, like self-protective strategies that keep others out, or self-defeating ways of blocking intimacy that aren’t conscious.

I work with clients on feeling full and self-accepting from the inside out so there isn’t a desperate sense of looking outside for affirmation and support. Paradoxically this allows more affirmation and support in from the outside because there is more room for it to be received and integrated internally.

When we begin to feel a greater sense of belonging within ourselves then it is easier to begin to draw to us those people and experiences that support us. Becoming able to find the “right fit” in life so to speak on all levels is a hallmark of health. Shame tends to repel these people and experiences unintentionally.

We all deserve to be loved. We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to know that we are enough. We all deserve to belong.